its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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