I love having hate sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
