I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
