I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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