I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
