just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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