I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
