I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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