I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
