My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
