textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
