i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
