Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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