I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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