You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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