i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
