Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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