My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize