Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My ass is underappreciated
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
