I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
