I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
