margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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