Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
In other news, I just burned my penis
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
