if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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