I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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