I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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