can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
