I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
