Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i think i just lost a toe
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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