Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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