Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
