There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
