it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize