i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
