3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
