Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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