mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize