My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize