I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
