i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
