the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
