Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
