Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
