There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
