last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
