I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love having hate sex.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No subtext here. People are naked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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