did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
