apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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