these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
