Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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