Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
