ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
