this beer tastes like vomit already
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
