"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
