nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
