go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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