My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
