I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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